Sick of Myself

How many times can I begin with an explanation as to why it’s been so long since my last writing?  I’m bored with myself for repeating this crap – and this pattern.

The bottom line is that I am somewhere between lazy and terrified.  I am terrible at finding time to write, even though it makes me happy.  There always seems to be something “more important” to do.  Writing on this blog – for basically no one but myself – feels so self-indulgent.  Shouldn’t I be spending time with my kids?  Shouldn’t I be making date plans with my husband?  HEY, how did this house become such a mess?  SQUIRREL!

But I also drag my feet about it because I’m scared that I don’t have anything relevant to say.  Thinking about that fear makes my brain hurt, because I didn’t set this up, thinking anyone else would read it.  I created this because I wanted an outlet.  A place to string some sentences together.  A means to distill my fitness (and other) experiences for myself.  You’d think this would be simple.  And the fear makes zero sense.

Couple my non-existent writing “habit” with my less-than-stellar workout routine, and I am making myself unhappy.  By not writing.  By not doing things worth writing about.  By making the list of things I “should” do every day, every week SO long that I do virtually none of those things:

Workout?  Weekly, but irregularly.
Meditate?  Rarely.
Read for personal growth?  Sporadically.  And in the middle of several books at once, without focus.
Use affirmations?  To affirm what?  I don’t know what I’m doing.
Visualization?  Same.
Plan meals and eat well?  {{sound of disgusted laughter}}

And finally by beating myself UP for all of those other things.  That is, adding insult to injury.

I’m kind of at rock bottom with myself right now.  Please note, I know I’m not at rock bottom in the sense that the phrase is typically used.  That is, I’m not being dramatic or pitying myself like this is the worst thing ever.  I haven’t lost my house.  Or my husband.  Or my sanity.  (Face it, not sure I ever had a firm grasp on that to begin with.)  On the surface, all is well in my world.  However, I am stagnating in a way that I haven’t been in a very long time, and I’m truly sick of myself.

The good part is that it puts me in a place to finally do something about it.  I can come up with a plan and take action.  It’s going to be all about baby steps and falling (back) in love with the process of goal setting and improvement.

I think I think I have gotten this issue out of my system through this short post.  Perhaps I can now move on.



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